A new Italian film  I AM LOVE stars the ever versatile Tilda Swinton as a wife who falls in one with another.

I have never seen a movie that captured the sights and sounds of a place so well — in this case Milan Italy. The filmmaker takes you on a sensational  — in the true meaning of the word  — trip — in cars, on foot — the clacking of shoes, the preparation of meals — I was reminded of the place although I have not been there in  over thirty years.

What I found most striking about the film is what we learn about the characters through non-verbal communication. The family surrounding Swinton is insular, cool and closed off. They do not embrace a grieving girlfriend the way one normally would. And our heroine is not only childlike in her infatuating love but one actually wonders if she is going to literally fall apart. Near the film’s end the up until now beautiful Swinton looks almost freakish in her pain and despair. Perhaps the film should more accurately be titled, I am Passion, yet whatever its title, it does captivate and portray aspects of the human condition we often don’t think about let alone feel.

Bob Silverstein has been kind enough to share a recent article from Poker Pro Magazine.

UNDERSTANDING INTERNAL TELLS

Please see blog entries for april and march for the initial parts of this article.

The Most Important Player to Watch

In Super System, Doyle Brunson explains, “Sure you want to study the emotional make-up of your opponents.  But of all the players at the poker table, the one whose capabilities and limitations are going to affect you the most is the one sitting in your chair.”

I am not  sure that Doyle was specifically referring to the type of internal tell that I am talking about but I think it’s clear that he views being aware of what is happening inside of us as we sit in our chair playing poker, as the most powerful way that we can improve the level of our play and affect the outcome of the game.

In the example above, I should have noticed that I was excited and overly focused and that this was creating a distortion or internal tell. The internal tell was an indication that I was overreacting and unable to pay clear attention to  the poker hand in front of me.  Learning to identify when I was being affected by internal tells has helped me to avoid a lot of costly and preventable mistakes.

When I was aware of myself as I sit in my chair, moreover, it is amazing how much more frequently the cards turn out to be good ones!  My “luck” simply improves and I stop complaining about the guy  ”who sucked out on the river” or “who never should have been in the hand in the first place.”

Bob Silverstein has been kind enough to share a recent article from Poker Pro Magazine.

UNDERSTANDING INTERNAL TELLS

Please see blog entries for April and March for the initial parts of this article.

The Most Important Player to Watch

In Super System, Doyle Brunson explains, “Sure you want to study the emotional make-up of your opponents.  But of all the players at the poker table, the one whose capabilities and limitations are going to affect you the most is the one sitting in your chair.”

I am not  sure that Doyle was specifically referring to the type of internal tell that I am talking about but I think it’s clear that he views being aware of what is happening inside of us as we sit in our chair playing poker, as the most powerful way that we can improve the level of our play and affect the outcome of the game.

In the example above, I should have noticed that I was excited and overly focused and that this was creating a distortion or internal tell. The internal tell was an indication that I was overreacting and unable to pay clear attention to  the poker hand in front of me.  Learning to identify when I was being affected by internal tells has helped me to avoid a lot of costly and preventable mistakes.

When I was aware of myself as I sit in my chair, moreover, it is amazing how much more frequently the cards turn out to be good ones!  My “luck” simply improves and I stop complaining about the guy  ”who sucked out on the river” or “who never should have been in the hand in the first place.”

From Bob Silverstein

“At the time, there were about 40 out of the original 140 players remaining, and I was in the middle of the pack. The player to the left of the blog blind who had just lost a gib pot, went all-in. he clearly looked steamed and on full tilt. I had A-K suited and as the next six players folds I became more and more focused on my opportunity to take him out and move up the leader board.

Certain of my read, I called.  It was only after the player two seats to my left thought for a long time and then called me with his remaining chips that it dawned on me that two other players were still in the hand.  My correct read of the first player (he had K-10o ffsuit), combined with my excitement over moving up, literally blinded me to a part of the table.  The player to my left had pocket jacks, which proved to be the winning hand.”

more next week

He later told me that had I gone all-in he wouldn’t have called me, but when I did not go all-in he correctly assumed I did not have a bigger pocket pain than him.  This oversight cost me most of my chips and I was soon out of the tournament. My excitement , overconfidence and exclusive focus on my own cards were all internal tells and I paid a steep price for failing to recognize them (I literally did not see a couple of key players at the table).

From Bob Silverstein

“At the time, there were about 40 out of the original 140 players remaining, and I was in the middle of the pack. The player to the left of the blog blind who had just lost a gib pot, went all-in. he clearly looked steamed and on full tilt. I had A-K suited and as the next six players folds I became more and more focused on my opportunity to take him out and move up the leader board.

Certain of my read, I called.  It was only after the player two seats to my left thought for a long time and then called me with his remaining chips that it dawned on me that two other players were still in the hand.  My correct read of the first player (he had K-10o ffsuit), combined with my excitement over moving up, literally blinded me to a part of the table.  The player to my left had pocket jacks, which proved to be the winning hand.”

more next week

He later told me that had I gone all-in he wouldn’t have called me, but when I did not go all-in he correctly assumed I did not have a bigger pocket pain than him.  This oversight cost me most of my chips and I was soon out of the tournament. My excitement , overconfidence and exclusive focus on my own cards were all internal tells and I paid a steep price for failing to recognize them (I literally did not see a couple of key players at the table).

The following is by Bob Silverstein and originally appeared in his “Understanding Internal Tells” column in Poker Pro Magazine

Rather than becoming a better and more knowledgeable player because I technically and strategically improved my game, I believe that I become a better poker player because I became more aware of what was going on inside of me as I played. I learned how to notice changes in my mental, physical and emotional state as I played poker. In fact, when I started to play poler this way I started a very  nice run that far exceeded by previous success. I on regularly in my local games, won a local charity hold”em tournament two years in a row, won al all-expenses paid seat at the the WSOP Main Event and came in a respectable 780th out of an almost 6900 entrants (top 12 percent) to boot.

By profession I am a psychotherapist, career coach and crisis manager, so some of what I am about to tell you comes from combining my understanding of how human beings are affected by the challenges we face in our lives, and for this purpose, that we face as we play poker.  In this article I define and explain how to recognize and modify what I term internal tells – changes in our state of mind and body such as daydreaming, getting upset, losing energy, being intimidated or conversely, sharpening our focus, becoming calm feeling energized or began began maintaining a nice image – and how doing so can lead to markedly improved results.

In the Beginning ….

I began to develop this awareness a couple of years ago. On this occasion I missed a couple of clear internal tells and how to learn the hard way how to important it is to recognize them.  …… more to follow next week.

The next few weeks will feature my friend and colleague’s Bob Silverstein’s column from Poker Pro Magazine which was originally published late last year. Being mindful, slowing down and knowing the feelings and thoughts that are going on inside yourself is not always easy unless you are in your spa of choice and being led through a relaxing wooing mediation. Bob  became a better poker play as he noticed  his mental, physical and emotional states as he played. I think you will find this thoughts valuable and meaningful. Let me know

Bob is a successful amateur poker play and a season psychotherapist, career coach and crisis consultant. He can be reached at bob@bobsilverstein.com.

“Would you be surprised to find out that you can become a better poker player by paying as much attention to what is going on in your head and body as you are to the cards on the table and your competitors sitting around it?   I play mostly no-limit Texas hold’em and my poker knowledge, skill and mathematical ability are just slightly above average. But about two years ago my results started to improve. They improved whether or not the cards got better, seemingly independent of the strength or weakness of my competition.”  more to follow

The Most Overlooked Advantage You Have at Work: PASSION

By Selena Rezvani, Author of “The Next Generation of Women Leaders”

If you only remember one piece of career advice — find a career that feeds your passion. No matter how monetarily driven you may be, perks or sizable salaries won’t lead to lasting professional happiness.  You passion, on the other hand, is the compass that will most often lead you to success.

Research shows that passionate workers are most likely to create value for their employers. Gallup consulting, for example, noted that “engaged employees work with passion and feel a profound connection to their company. They drive innovation and move the organization forward” (Gallup Management Journal, 2006).

More than just a “nice-to-have,” passion makes us more persistent and tenacious in our careers, and subsequently more successful. Taking the time to position yourself for a career with meaning is a worthy investment of your time; it will reflect on you positively as an employee and feed you personally.

When a coach may help

An alternative to traditional therapy focuses more on the potential of the future than the problems of the past

Carol Kauffman has a question for you: If your life could look the way you’d really like it to look, what would that be?

Work it out

The practice of coaching is characterized by asking specific questions, according to Carol Kauffman of the Institute of Coaching. In the following exercise, “the idea is really giving yourself permission and then thinking about your future so it can pull you forward and help you notice opportunities to do things when they show up,’’ she said.

Imagine yourself

as a pie filled with many pieces.

Pick one of those pieces

, whether it’s work, relationships, health, where you live, your personal growth, leisure, or some other component.

If time or money were no object

, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best, what would this part of your life look like?

If you don’t know

, close your eyes and concentrate, making yourself accessible to your dreams, as Kauffman would say.

If you said you’re at 2 1/2

, what would it take over the next six weeks to get to 3?

ELIZABETH COONEY

Depending on your answer, she’ll help you build on your strengths so you can pull yourself toward your goals, step by small step. She’ll also hold you accountable.

Although Kauffman is a psychologist, this is coaching, not therapy. Co-director of the new Institute of Coaching at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital, she is working to solidify the growing body of evidence-based research supporting the relatively new field that is often defined by what it is not.

“Therapy helps you overcome the challenges of the past and coaching helps you very clearly identify your vision of the future,’’ she said. “Coaching is a process of change that revolves around strengths and potential, rather than feelings of pathology and pain.’’

There are executive coaches who encourage leadership, wellness coaches who help people become more fit, and health coaches who focus on preventing disease or coping with illness. And there are life coaches who step in when people are stuck, at work or in relationships. Moving forward is the mantra, in tune with positive psychology, which Kauffman defines as “the study of what is right with us and what makes life worth living.’’

Coaching has a new research home at McLean, funded by philanthropist and coach Ruth Ann Harnisch. A pilot program at a Massachusetts General Hospital primary care practice is testing whether its health coaches can deliver improvements in blood pressure or diabetes control. But the field is still without national agreement on accreditation. Insurance companies do not cover the cost of coaching, which can range from $50 for one-on-one consultations to $500 per hour for high-end executive coaching. Kauffman’s institute will not train or certify coaches but will make grants to researchers who will build on existing studies that investigate how coaching works to help people make changes in their lives.

“People need to know this isn’t just happy talk,’’ Kauffman said. “This is great science.’’

At a time of year when change for the better tops many people’s to-do lists, coaching has intuitive appeal. Kauffman also said there’s a bottom-line case to be made: People who are flourishing in their lives, with high levels of well-being, cost the health-care system less, she said, citing research by Emory sociologist and positive psychology proponent Corey Keyes.

Susan DiGiovanni of Reading says coaching saved her life. Thunderstruck by a July recurrence of breast cancer, she turned to a wellness coach to navigate her way through a new life in which just getting out of bed to make a cup of tea was a struggle. She had superb medical care, but was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally devastated by her Stage 4 diagnosis.

“I needed to find someone who could not only navigate the hospital system, but help me reach out to other opportunities, based on my own individual needs,’’ she said.

In September she met Margaret Moore, co-director with Kauffman of the Institute of Coaching and founder of Wellesley-based Wellcoaches, at a symposium on coaching and leadership in medicine. When they began working together, Moore asked DiGiovanni to write down 10 things that make her feel alive or give her purpose. Faith was her first one, so Moore suggested she start each day with 15 minutes of prayer and meditation. Family was next, followed by friends and being in nature. Going down the list, they found ways to connect with what helped her.

“We totally focused on her future and achieving her dream. I’m not talking about her cancer treatment, unless she wants to tell me about it,’’ Moore said. “We are working on how she’s building a new career, how she’s working with her teenage kids, how she’s moving into a new house.’’

DiGiovanni says the process gave her inner healing. “Most people think of wellness coaching as, ‘Jog three miles, eat a lot of salad, take your vitamins, and do a yoga class.’ It’s so much deeper.’’

At MGH Back Bay, nutrition and exercise may very well be prescribed, but not in such a top-down fashion, according to Dr. Edward Phillips, director and founder of Harvard’s Institute of Lifestyle Medicine as well as director of outpatient medical services at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital Network. His interest is in motivating people to exercise and he sees coaching as an effective, efficient way to deliver health messages to patients at risk for serious medical conditions.

At the primary care office, he asks patients with high blood pressure if they are ready, willing, and able to make changes that could improve their health. If they say yes, he suggests simple changes they can make right away: walking 500 extra steps, drinking two extra glasses of water a day, or brushing their teeth earlier at night and not eating afterward. In a follow-up appointment or phone call, he asks if they would like to continue with a health coach. A pilot program will track blood pressure levels to see if coaching made a difference. Next on the coaching list will be monitoring blood sugar levels for people with type 2 diabetes or at risk for it.

“We’re helping people modify health behaviors that they want to change so they can make sustainable lifestyle changes,’’ he said.

Jamie Johnson, who coached high school and college sports teams and managed a wellness center for a heath insurer before coming to MGH Back Bay, works with patients in the 12-week pilot program. She assesses their eating habits, nutrition, stress, emotional well-being, and life satisfaction as well as their physical activity.

“My clients want to change their lives and they create the agenda for how we conduct our coaching sessions,’’ she said. “It’s all about what they want to do. I help people identify their values and what their strengths are.’’

Phyllis Cohen, who from time to time has been coached by Kauffman, said she passes on lessons about identifying strengths through her own job as a career counselor. “I’m able to help them feel more positive about what they have to offer the world of work and about how they can handle their lives and job search in a different way.’’

Building on strengths is the hallmark of positive psychology, which Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania says can provide the “scientific and theoretical backbone’’ to coaching, whose lack of standards concerns him.

“One need not be a licensed psychologist, or even a psychologist, to practice positive psychology or to practice coaching,’’ Seligman, often called the father of positive psychology, wrote in the journal Australian Psychologist.

Dr. Steven Berglas, a former McLean psychiatrist now an executive coach in California, worries that untrained coaches will not recognize mental illness when they see it. “With people who are in [serious psychological] trouble, I get them a shrink. Otherwise, I say I can’t help you.’’

Dr. Peter Metz, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at University of Massachusetts Medical School, said there is room for both therapy and coaching to work together. Children and adults diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, for example, do well with psychiatric treatment as well as coaching on how to use their strengths to meet specific challenges. Coaching “can definitely have a psychotherapeutic benefit. It can help people feel better and do better, which is the goal of therapy.’’

Before embarking on a coaching relationship, he said, a mental health assessment may be in order. Medications or psychotherapy can complement and enhance the impact and effectiveness of the coaching.

“If you have pneumonia, you need an antibiotic. If you have depression you’ve got to get treatment,’’ Metz said. “It’s not an either/or; it’s a both/and.’’

Coaches do refer people to get the help they need, said Moore, who through the McLean Institute and Wellcoaches is working on national standards for coach training and certification. “When that kind of stuff comes up — a marriage problem, an eating disorder, anything that verges on depression — coaches will say, ‘This is beyond my scope and it looks like this would need attention for you to get where you want to go.’ ’’

Kauffman agrees. “Therapy is something very sacred and powerful. Coaching is something else. Coaching is a different process of change.’’

At the end of ALL THINGS CONSIDERED today, the final host question to panelist was “what will Jay Leno take over next?”

I am a not a late night TV view of the traditional broadcast channels but what I have learned is this: Leno’s prime time TV talk/variety show is a big failure and now GE/NBC wants to put him back in the late night spot that Conan O’Brien now holds. Leno had “retired” by late night and O”Brien has respectable rating currently in the spot.  No matter — out with the new and in with the old. Give Leno a “promotion” even though he is failing — forget, ignore, deny O’Brien’s status placement and contract.  Although this maneuver is probably less widespread than it used to be in the workplace, it still exists. I have had many coaching assignments where counter productive behavior  has been ignored to make way for a promotion. Luckily I have been pretty successful with these situations; I may not in the future and I know colleagues who have not been.

To stand back and take a holistic view of what is going on and determine what is the best resolution for all parties involved can be done. It just is not done enough because of ego, arrogance and or expedience. It will be interesting to see how this TV situation works out — I hope Conan gets his pound of flesh — in his case $45 millions I am told — and more.